When Mike and I first got married, he had just started a job with a growing A/V company based in the Midwest. Our honeymoon was a thirteen-hour drive to Kansas City, KS, long onsite work days, and tornado warnings (but that’s another story for another time). As a new wife, I felt so proud of my husband for his talent, discipline, and great value as an employee.
Months into our marriage, we were still nestled in the “honeymoon phase.” Everything Mike did was wonderful and magical and I was so amazed by his goodness, and then something unexpected happened.
At first, it wasn’t a big deal. Mike and I were eating dinner, and he casually mentioned, “Oh, tomorrow I’m going to San Antonio for a lunch with Ashley. I might be back late.” By instinct, I bristled (because I am jealous and want one hundred percent of my husband’s attention all the time and I don’t want him to notice that other women exist, which I believe is perfectly reasonable). I responded with a nonchalant, “Okay, cool,” because while I am actually a possessive maniac, I want to be seen as the chill and relaxed wife who is just so cool and low maintenance and easygoing. So Mike went on his San Antonio date with that tart Ashley, and I reminded myself that it’s part of his job and I can’t control the fact that there are women in the workplace.
A few weeks later, Mike announced that he was due for an onsite trip that would last four days. This time, it would just be him and Shannon going, but they got along really well, so it should be fun. I felt steam rise inside of me, because I had come to terms with the reality that Mike couldn’t avoid working with women, but I wanted him to do it begrudgingly. At the very least, he should have told me he was dreading the trip because Shannon is stupid and ugly and boring, right? I bit my tongue, because I still did not want to reveal to Mike that I am really a proprietorial psychopath.
A month or so after the work trip, Mike let me know he was being sent to California for a conference. He bubbled with excitement as he told me about the banquet dinners, shows, and nights on the town he could expect. Spouses weren’t invited – sorry – but he’d see familiar faces. Lacey would be there with him.
At this point, I went into full-blown hypothetical turmoil. I imagined a bikini-clad Lacey running in slow motion on the California beach. I pictured a bold and witty Lacey who’d had one too many cocktails at dinner, leaned a little too close to my husband at the banquet table. I shook off thoughts of Lacey knocking on Mike’s hotel room door, because, “they were far away from home and nobody would know.”
I am a picture of emotional health and security.
In my thought-tornado, I shifted from anger to despair and back. I felt myself withdraw any time Mike commented on his work, especially the conference. I became emotionally run down, suspicious, and sad. Still, I didn’t want to voice my feelings or concerns, because I didn’t want Mike to think of me as unreasonable, demanding, or distrustful. … Even if that was true.
I was reading a book on marriage (and how to not be terrible at it) when I came across a sentence that reminded me that setting boundaries means you have something valuable that’s worth protecting. I felt a surge of heroism in that moment and decided I needed to speak up to Mike. I approached him one evening with caution, nervous about his response.
“Mike,” I said, “I need to talk to you about something that’s really been bothering me.”
“Okay,” he replied, his voice wary. “What is it?”
I paused, and then blurted it all out. “It’s just, I’ve noticed you’ve been spending a lot of time alone with women at work. And I know it’s your job and I can’t control what’s asked of you or who you get teamed up with, and I don’t want to be the crazy wife who demands to be with you everywhere you go, but it concerns me. I mean, I trust you and know you wouldn’t do anything questionable, but I can’t just trust women I’ve never met! And you’re charming and handsome and talented and funny and very easy to fall in love with, so I think we should establish some healthy boundaries for the times you have to work alone with women, especially out of town.”
Mike’s eyes shifted away and back. He furrowed his eyebrows. He said, “What are you talking about?”
How. Dare. He.
My eyes turned steely as I listed, “Lunch with Ashley in San Antonio. Work trip with Shannon. Conference with Lacey.”
Then, the most astonishing thing happened. He started to laugh. His eyes crinkled and he threw his head back and he guffawed while I stood frozen. I couldn’t believe this. I had just laid my heart out on the line, and he had the nerve to —
“Meghan. They’re all men. Ashley, Shannon, Lacey. They’re all men! Here, I’ll show you their work profiles.”
While Mike stood laughing, I was in shock. I went through a wave of different emotions – disbelief, anger, confusion, until the absurdity overtook me and I couldn’t help but laugh with him.
We did end up having a good conversation about healthy boundaries, since the topic had already been broached. On top of that, I learned something valuable: just speak up, as early as possible. Ask clarifying questions. Mike and I are in this marriage together, and we have time for one another’s internal processes. It doesn’t need to be A Whole Thing. I put myself through months of distress because of a fear that didn’t even reflect reality. If I had just addressed my concerns right away, I would have saved myself piles of torment. I’m so grateful that God taught me this lesson early on in our marriage, and with such humor. My silence carried a heavy burden, and it was completely imaginary (though it raised some serious red flags in regards to my own emotional health and baggage).
So my challenge to you is this: next time you feel a twinge in response to something your person says or does, say so. Reality may surprise you.